Skanky Skanky Whore Whore

Recipe For Skankiness (with a whiff of whore):

1. If you want to be a skank, keep tabs on all the girls nemesis is attracted to - they are sure to be skanks. Observe and copy them. They should become your Bible.

2. First clothing: Little-to-none. White pants that show your crack and anything that creates those little rolls of fat over the waistband is PERFECT! On the top - no bra and a little patch of cloth (preferably hot pink with sparkles) taped on with double sided tape.

3. Hair - Blonde. Black roots if possible on short notice...

4. Makeup: you know the minimalist aproach we took to clothing? It doesn't apply here. Cake it on. The less skin we can see through the better for all of us. Lipstick - pink of course (with flavour - nothing but strawberry) Mascara? Need you ask - cake it on too! Blackest Black. As for the eyeshadow, shimmer gold stuff right up to the eyebrow, anything less wont reel them in...

5. Little tip - if you're gonna make out with a guy - go wash off all the makeup, they don't want it to rub off on their clothes (let alone want their girlfriends to find it on them.)

6. How to act: giggle your arse off, then giggle some more. Drink only vodka raspberry and try not to vomit on anyone - it's unattractive. Fall over every guy in the club - 80 or 8 years old and see how many free drinks you can get. Dance like a stripper, but don't take off any of the minimal clothes you've got on - that happens later, in the carpark.

7. How to get the guy: giggle, (as mentioned above, there is never too much giggling) whenever a song you like comes on run over to him, shout "Oh my god - this is my song, oh my GOD. We have to dance to this" grab him by the elbow and drag him anywhere and dance. Be sure to shake your tits about and touch him lots (on the shoulder dirty minded people.) If he isn't trying to get into your pants by now then he's gay - move on.

8. How to get home without being raped: I'm sorry this one just isn't possible if you're doing everything as stipulated above. You're going to have to stay at the club until you get a guy to go home with...

9. If none of the above works for you - try everything again - except with a paper bag over your head and a sock in your mouth - you might just come off more intelligent.

Thankyou and goodnight